Be Curious, Not Critical

Teresa Torres recounts a early-career design review in which a client dismissed her work as horrible and asked to reuse an existing homepage. Her manager defused the clash by asking her to walk through her reasoning, then introduced the new constraint with curiosity rather than argument, which turned Torres's defensiveness into problem-solving. The essay argues that criticism shuts down collaboration while curiosity opens it, and that reframing disagreements as "How might we" questions moves teams from who is right to how to make something work. Because the lesson applies to any disagreement between PMs, designers, and engineers, it is highly practical for product teams.

01Key takeaways

• When feedback feels harsh, pause and ask what the other person was expecting before defending your work.
• Ask the person to walk you through their reasoning before introducing your constraint or counterargument.
• Reframe debates from "should we do X" to "how might we do X," which invites problem-solving.
• Assume the other person is smart and has a good reason for their view, and keep exploring until that reason makes sense.
• Curiosity engages curiosity: leading with questions makes others more open to exploring alternatives.

02Key sections

A Defensive First Reaction

The author, then 22, was blindsided by harsh feedback and responded by bristling rather than asking questions. She mirrored the very critical stance she resented.

How a Manager Reset the Conversation

Her manager ended the unproductive exchange, asked her to explain her design, and validated her thinking before introducing the new constraint. Her curiosity engaged the author's curiosity.

The Power of "How Might We"

Reframing a position as a "how" question shifts the conversation from whether an idea is good to how it could be achieved. This invites exploration instead of entrenchment.

Curiosity as a Game

Torres suggests assuming the other person is smart, assuming they have good reasons, and trying to uncover those reasons even if you disagree. This mirrors Covey's principle of seeking first to understand.

03From the post

““It’s horrible!” I was mortified. That was the feedback I received in a client meeting where we were reviewing one of my designs. The client continued, “We have a perfectly good home page, why don’t we just use that.” I was confused. We weren’t redesigning the home”

04Frameworks mentioned

Summary and takeaways written by PM Atlas; quotes are short excerpts. © the original author.