Healing your co-founder relationship

Carole Robin, co-creator of Stanford's 'Touchy Feely' course, answers a reader whose co-founder relationship is deteriorating while the business still needs it to work. She argues that co-founder friction, like marriage friction, is usually rooted in interpersonal soft skills rather than purely business disagreements. Her approach starts with self-reflection on one's own feelings, then examines whether the root cause is organizational or interpersonal. She offers a framework for raising concerns without blame, using the idea of 'sticking with your reality' and staying on your side of the 'net.' The advice matters because founder dynamics strongly shape organizational health and whether the partnership survives.

01Key takeaways

• Name your specific feelings before trying to address a co-founder conflict, using a feelings vocabulary if needed.
• Separate organizational disagreements from interpersonal behavior issues, since they require different approaches.
• Acknowledge that you only have your own perspective and that both parties likely contribute to the dynamic.
• Describe the behavior and its impact on you, avoiding judgments, motives, and character attributions.
• Use curiosity to understand what your co-founder needs rather than assuming their intent.
• Treat agreed changes as a trial period and plan how to handle regressions.

02Key sections

Look inward first

Start by identifying your own feelings, using the idea of intrapersonal mindfulness alongside attention to the other person. Naming emotions precisely, with a feelings vocabulary, reduces reactive behavior.

Find the root cause

Determine whether the tension stems from organizational issues like strategy, growth pace, or changing conditions, or from the co-founder's behavior and interpersonal dynamics. Interpersonal problems are harder because they feel personal and tend to fester.

Recognize shared responsibility

Acknowledge you only see part of the story and that both people contribute to the dynamic. Curiosity about the other's feelings makes conversations more productive and less accusatory.

Stick to observable reality

Describe observable behavior and your own impact without attributing motives or making judgments. Ask genuinely curious questions about what the other person needs.

Move to problem-solving and agreements

Frame solutions around three questions: what I need, what others need, and what is best for the organization. Treat new agreements as trial periods with a plan for handling regressions.

03From the post

“If you’re not a paid subscriber, here’s what you missed this month: 1. 14 habits of highly effective Product Managers 2. How to make money 3. Three myths about sabbatical programs Q: My relationship with my co-founder is fraying. It’s no longer enjoyable to work with them, and it’s getting worse. But I need to make it work for the good of the business. Any advice? A co-founder relationship is a lot like a marriage—incredibly fulfilling when it’s working, incredibly painful when it’s not. But essential to keep healthy for the good of the k̶i̶d̶s̶ team. I’ve had my own trials and tribulations with my co-founder, and what I’ve learned is that, just like in marriage, issues are nearly always rooted in the soft skills of human interaction. To give you the best possible advice on this topic, I asked Carole Robin, the co-creator of the legendary class at Stanford’s business school known as “Touchy Feely” and co-author of the new book Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues, to tackle this week’s question. I’ve been waiting for…”

04Frameworks mentioned

Summary and takeaways written by PM Atlas; quotes are short excerpts. © the original author.